finding out the job & career you’ve been working toward the past year is not going to work out is really jarring/disappointing.

i guess i have no fucking clue what i am doing with my life & it feels really confusing & scary.

ugh tumblr.

if you can’t tell i’ve just been really depressed lately & crying in the shower & nothing good. the apartment is a mess & i have no energy to clean/do laundry. i need to meditate & do yoga & go outside more & exercise but for some reason when i’m depressed those steps i need to take to help me feel better are the hardest fucking steps to take. instead i am just sitting around picking myself apart & making myself feel worse or watching tv to numb it all. or eating comfort foods. i should be in therapy, i haven’t been in YEARS & i know as a bipolar woman in her 20’s that is not smart but again these steps are the hardest fucking steps to take.

i realized the other day that i really feel pretty good about my body generally until my clothes stop fitting and/or people start asking me how far along i am/if it is a boy or a girl. honestly i feel bad if my clothes are too baggy on me or if they are too tight — it doesn’t make a difference if i am losing or gaining weight. i just can’t afford to buy a whole new wardrobe every time my weight changes & my SADD & bipolar & a wealth of other external life shit make my weight swing a LOT. i need a vast wardrobe of cute, stretchy clothing. i don’t really know what to do.

anyway i felt so embarrassed & awkward & lied & told them i was 6 months along but waiting to find out the sex of the baby. it was shitty but she asked like 3 questions about my pseudo-pregnancy all at once & i would have felt even more uncomfortable explaining that i was not pregnant, my belly is just round like ganesh.

PLEASE fatshion experts — help!

my friend’s husband & i have really different political views. i am comfortable leaving it at that, i have many friends with varying political & religious views. but because i love my friend & i want to be a part of her life i am finding it VERY difficult to be her partner’s friend on facebook (& elsewhere, really). this is stupid & petty but i feel like if i unfriend him to get away from his obnoxious posts (& him posting in response to the articles i share), it will cause some strife between me & my friend.

i don’t know, it’s so weird. people change all of the time, i know people change, but she met this man & converted from unitarian universalist to catholic, went from vegan to omnivore & stopped working to raise children & now hearing the way her partner speaks i just…i feel like i am going to lose my friend & i blame this dude. i know her parents felt this way early on in their relationship & almost did not attend her wedding because of it. i hate that i am feeling similarly now. the facebook debates are one thing (i refuse to engage in a debate on facebook or anywhere else on the internet if i can help it, i find them mostly hostile & unproductive). i just don’t have the emotional fortitude to stomach a bunch of hostile hetero white males in my life anymore.

i dunno, this all just makes me really sad. his facebook wall is full of articles i just find really offensive & ignorant, he is not someone i want in my life at all. his wife IS…and they are about to have their second child. i made it so that he doesn’t show up on my newsfeed, but honestly it’s a lot bigger than facebook. what do you do when you seriously cannot stand being around your dear friend’s chosen life partner?

i love fermented foods!!

i have taken a long break from them because after eating sauerkraut/pickles/umeboshi/kim chi/pickled garlic or some other fermented foods almost daily my doctor said the high concentration of salt was dehydrating me & may have contributed to my chronic migraines (which are mostly menstrual, but i certainly don’t want to tempt the fates by not taking proper care of myself no matter what time of the month it is). i haven’t had kim chi since then, & that’s probably the saddest thing (a bagel with a little earth balance spread & kim chi is the most delicious thing in the world, fyi).

tonight, though, i had this extra beet sitting around & i just could not think of what to do with it. i’ve already made frozen beet cubes for smoothies (1-2 beets in the blender with a ton of water, frozen in ice cube trays & saved long-term in a freezer bag along with my kale cubes — this is my favorite way to sneak veggies into my smoothies! carrot cubes next probably). i’ve already used them in lots of different recipes in cooking. i have yet to bake with them. i have yet to make borscht this winter, i’m really overdue…but i only had one beet left!

so i took one of my old empty jam jars, i peeled & grated my raw beet. i used the smallest, finest option on my grater because i decided to make a savory, fermented spread for sandwiches. once i had it all grated up i put it into the jar & added all the fixin’s. i eyeballed it & did a lot of taste testing, but i will give you approximate measurements:

1-2 tbsp apple cider vinegar

2 tbsp salt

1-2 pinches of crushed red pepper

1 tbsp finely chopped garlic

1 tsp black pepper

then i filled the remainder of the jar with water, put the cap on & found a nice place out of direct light to let it ferment in. someday i will have a cupboard in my house just for fermenting foods, but right now it’s just sitting next to my mugs & tea. it tastes pretty good already — we’ll see how it tastes in a week or two :p

yesterday i could barely eat i was so nauseated. it took me a while to realize i wasn’t sick, it was just the day before my period. today the nausea is gone and has been replaced with a migraine & side-splitting cramps. drinking tea, gatorade & mountain dew to help with the symptoms (i know that sounds kind of weird but caffeine + electrolytes really help the migraine & herbal teas help everything). NOT going to the super bowl party as planned, feeling so frustrated. it seems like every fucking time we have a social outing planned i get sick or something happens. thanks to my birth control i only get these extreme debilitating symptoms every 3 months but god when they come they are fucking brutal. my mother told me she had similarly debilitating cycles when she was younger, but after she had children it stopped being so bad. is my body really just so angry at me for not procreating? this is some bullshit. i feel fucking awful. i’ve basically been in bed all day. the pain is exhausting.

thinkspeakstress:

“When presented with evidence of systematic discrimination, majority students are often indifferent, and sometimes defensive and resistant. “What does this have to do with me?” they ask. The more defensive among them immediately mention several facts that they believe will absolve them of inclusion into the superordinate category. “My family never owned slaves.” “I have a gay friend.” “I never raped anyone” are fairly typical responses.

Some will assert that white people differ dramatically from one another, that ethnicity and religion are more important than race. Others maintain that white people, as a group, are not at all privileged. And virtually all agree that racism is a problem of individual attitudes, prejudiced people, and not a social problem.

Such statements are as revealing as they are irrelevant.”

Bolding for truth and also for sass.

this. yes. i got in a huge argument with my brother about racism as an individual attitude vs. systemic issue of oppression when i was visiting home last. i am at a loss, i really want to send him articles & help him understand but i find the argument so fucking infuriating & more importantly i’m not sure that my brother is willing to listen to a single thing i say.

also so tired of my brother using “i have a gay friend” as a defense. a) why haven’t i met them and b) i am your sister & i am queer & i am here in front of you trying to tell you that the things you are saying are hurtful. honestly i love my brother, i love him a lot & we are good friends but he is a privilege-denying jerk sometimes & i just CAN’T.

so we just talk about comic books & movies & books & avoid discussing these issues altogether if we can…which i find hurtful in its own way. finding my voice as a teenager was really important & speaking about identity & exploring my opinions & information about politics, social justice, etc etc was huge. it makes me really sad that this is something i feel comfortable sharing so freely with friends & the internet but cannot share with my own brother. 

(via cakeandowls)

• a gift card to LUSH so i can stop feeling bad about sinking all of my money into self indulgent lotions and foot scrubs (i excuse the ro’s argan body conditioner because it all but cured my psoriasis, that shit is a miracle & i smell amazing & feel amazing & don’t have to use chemical prescription bullshit anymore so i’ll spend however much i need to on that…the rest of it, though, i have no excuse)
• a dozen cupcakes (german chocolate, carrot cake, red velvet or lemon i dunno gimme cupcakes)
• a dozen donuts (rose, coconut or maple)
• pineapple pizza
• mikhail to come home so we can cuddle and watch more battlestar galactica damnit
• a job where i can wear makeup & nail polish (but honestly this is one of the ONLY complaints i have about my job so i should just shut up)
• freya (our cat) to take her medication & stop being afraid of everything & actually get comfortable enough with us to sleep in bed with us sometimes, or even just cuddle with us in bed

fancybidet:damnitdisney:betterthandarkchocolate:

Bipolar disorder is an illness that affects the most complex part of the body –the brain. This disorder involves both abnormal structure and functioning of the brain. Additionally, researchers have found abnormal levels of chemical neurotransmitters and abnormal cellular activity in the brain. Genetic studies have linked multiple genes to bipolar disorder including two that are responsible for building the calcium and sodium channels in the brain. Bipolar disorder affects a person’s energy levels, thoughts, moods and behaviours.

The person suffering from bipolar disorder experiences extreme shifts in mood ranging from depression to mania. Decreased energy levels, pervasive sadness, lack of motivation, irritability, anger, feelings of worthlessness, disregard for personal safety and suicidal feelings are some of the symptoms that can mark a period of depression.

Increased energy levels, elated mood, poor impulse control, grandiose thinking, racing thoughts, and agitation are some of the symptoms that can mark a period of mania. Children and adolescents who manifest bipolar disorder often experience these extreme mood shifts several times in one day. They can also experience a “mixed” state in which they exhibit symptoms of depression and mania at the same time. During different phases of the illness, the individual may appear sluggish, irritable, angry, oppositional, sullen, tearful, hyperactive, inattentive, distractible, talkative, overbearing or controlling. This represents the illness in its “raw” or untreated state. Because of the chronic nature of this condition, ongoing medication and treatment is required.

Bipolar disorder impacts a persons ability to function in the classroom or lecture and benefit from educational instruction. First, the wide range of symptoms associated with bipolar disorder has a large impact on their education. These symptoms will directly affect the individual’s behaviour in the classroom or lecture. Some difficulties Individuals have whilst studying with bipolar disorder includes:

• Lack of concentration
• loss of focus
• uninhibited actions
• difficulties at remaining seated
• disorganized
• performing below potential
• loud talking
• unable to wait for long periods of time
• lack of motivation
• difficulty in completing set tasks
• sleepy or slowed down
• crying spells
• problems with peers
• angry outbursts
• difficulties with change
• difficulties with stress
• frequent absenteeism
• frequent headaches and muscle pains

In light of the symptoms of this illness it is important to consider what classroom situation will best fit the needs of the student. Most students with bipolar disorder will require special modifications to be successful in the regular classroom. Bipolar disorder is a significant health impairment that typically qualifies the individual for these special considerations and or modifications.

Empathy, compassion and a willingness to learn about the individuals’ condition are critical elements in creating a positive learning environment. A positive attitude is also essential. The student with bipolar disorder frequently experiences the disapproval of both peers and authority figures due to the inappropriate behaviours that are at times manifested as a result of this illness. Yet the student’s disapproval of themselves may be the greatest of all. It is important to try to minimize negative situations. Even seemingly small considerations can help in big ways. 

Another thing I wish I could make people read when they meet me or decide to be a part of my life.

Wow. This explains so much of my uni AND working life.

reasons education may not be the best career choice for me :/

and yet

(Source: bpchildren.org)

so apparently my insurance will not recognize the affordable care act until it (my insurance) renews in january. i’m turning 26 in april anyway, so hopefully my new job has benefits? i think it does. i’m really scared of aging out of my parents awesome insurance plan. anyway, ughhhhh $15 co-pays on my birth control until january. 

not only do i have a job, but we found an apartment!

all we have to do is sign the lease. hopefully tomorrow. 

so goddamn relieved.