ugh tumblr.

if you can’t tell i’ve just been really depressed lately & crying in the shower & nothing good. the apartment is a mess & i have no energy to clean/do laundry. i need to meditate & do yoga & go outside more & exercise but for some reason when i’m depressed those steps i need to take to help me feel better are the hardest fucking steps to take. instead i am just sitting around picking myself apart & making myself feel worse or watching tv to numb it all. or eating comfort foods. i should be in therapy, i haven’t been in YEARS & i know as a bipolar woman in her 20’s that is not smart but again these steps are the hardest fucking steps to take.

i realized the other day that i really feel pretty good about my body generally until my clothes stop fitting and/or people start asking me how far along i am/if it is a boy or a girl. honestly i feel bad if my clothes are too baggy on me or if they are too tight — it doesn’t make a difference if i am losing or gaining weight. i just can’t afford to buy a whole new wardrobe every time my weight changes & my SADD & bipolar & a wealth of other external life shit make my weight swing a LOT. i need a vast wardrobe of cute, stretchy clothing. i don’t really know what to do.

anyway i felt so embarrassed & awkward & lied & told them i was 6 months along but waiting to find out the sex of the baby. it was shitty but she asked like 3 questions about my pseudo-pregnancy all at once & i would have felt even more uncomfortable explaining that i was not pregnant, my belly is just round like ganesh.

PLEASE fatshion experts — help!

fancybidet:damnitdisney:betterthandarkchocolate:

Bipolar disorder is an illness that affects the most complex part of the body –the brain. This disorder involves both abnormal structure and functioning of the brain. Additionally, researchers have found abnormal levels of chemical neurotransmitters and abnormal cellular activity in the brain. Genetic studies have linked multiple genes to bipolar disorder including two that are responsible for building the calcium and sodium channels in the brain. Bipolar disorder affects a person’s energy levels, thoughts, moods and behaviours.

The person suffering from bipolar disorder experiences extreme shifts in mood ranging from depression to mania. Decreased energy levels, pervasive sadness, lack of motivation, irritability, anger, feelings of worthlessness, disregard for personal safety and suicidal feelings are some of the symptoms that can mark a period of depression.

Increased energy levels, elated mood, poor impulse control, grandiose thinking, racing thoughts, and agitation are some of the symptoms that can mark a period of mania. Children and adolescents who manifest bipolar disorder often experience these extreme mood shifts several times in one day. They can also experience a “mixed” state in which they exhibit symptoms of depression and mania at the same time. During different phases of the illness, the individual may appear sluggish, irritable, angry, oppositional, sullen, tearful, hyperactive, inattentive, distractible, talkative, overbearing or controlling. This represents the illness in its “raw” or untreated state. Because of the chronic nature of this condition, ongoing medication and treatment is required.

Bipolar disorder impacts a persons ability to function in the classroom or lecture and benefit from educational instruction. First, the wide range of symptoms associated with bipolar disorder has a large impact on their education. These symptoms will directly affect the individual’s behaviour in the classroom or lecture. Some difficulties Individuals have whilst studying with bipolar disorder includes:

• Lack of concentration
• loss of focus
• uninhibited actions
• difficulties at remaining seated
• disorganized
• performing below potential
• loud talking
• unable to wait for long periods of time
• lack of motivation
• difficulty in completing set tasks
• sleepy or slowed down
• crying spells
• problems with peers
• angry outbursts
• difficulties with change
• difficulties with stress
• frequent absenteeism
• frequent headaches and muscle pains

In light of the symptoms of this illness it is important to consider what classroom situation will best fit the needs of the student. Most students with bipolar disorder will require special modifications to be successful in the regular classroom. Bipolar disorder is a significant health impairment that typically qualifies the individual for these special considerations and or modifications.

Empathy, compassion and a willingness to learn about the individuals’ condition are critical elements in creating a positive learning environment. A positive attitude is also essential. The student with bipolar disorder frequently experiences the disapproval of both peers and authority figures due to the inappropriate behaviours that are at times manifested as a result of this illness. Yet the student’s disapproval of themselves may be the greatest of all. It is important to try to minimize negative situations. Even seemingly small considerations can help in big ways. 

Another thing I wish I could make people read when they meet me or decide to be a part of my life.

Wow. This explains so much of my uni AND working life.

reasons education may not be the best career choice for me :/

and yet

(Source: bpchildren.org)

to me, this does not necessarily mean some simple list of fun things i like to do in my spare time to relax, or pamper myself. self care, as a movement (for me) is about un-learning the social conditioning that tries to determine my self worth based on social class, race, weight, educational background, gender, success of romantic relationships, sexuality, my mental health, physical health, career. not just about un-learning my own internalized biases & mental blocks, but actively combatting daily micro-aggressions & acts of oppression that are experienced within my own community (on the internet, in my neighborhood, religious community, at work, at home, etc). self care is about giving a voice to my fears and anxieties when i have spent too long feeling ashamed or silenced. it is about learning to say “no,” which is still one of the hardest words for me to say in almost any context. self care is about survival. yesterday, for me, it meant recognizing my own vulnerable emotional state & asking for help from someone close to me before it got too big & swallowed me whole. learning to communicate my experiences has been a huge leap — learning to share & explain how i am doing & cry in front of someone is one of my least favorite things (it’s easier for me to blog about my emotions than it is for me to make eye contact with a person & tell them what is going on with me). anyway, all of this is important. i think processing this shit is important. self care as a movement can be really fucking significant but i want to move away from the short lists of things i love, like “strawberry milkshakes,” “red lipstick,” ”french fries” & “listening to the ramones” which for sure make my day better but do nothing to address the real issues.

i JUST got new glasses but now i’m looking at coastalcontacts.com & they have a 2 for $75 deal & some REALLY cute ones…

for the record, my glasses are not as cute & cost more than that even with my insurance covering some of the cost. in theory, my insurance would’ve covered the entire cost of these from cc (if i hadn’t just bought a pair). trying not to regret too much.

fuck fuck fuck. when does my job start???

so apparently my insurance will not recognize the affordable care act until it (my insurance) renews in january. i’m turning 26 in april anyway, so hopefully my new job has benefits? i think it does. i’m really scared of aging out of my parents awesome insurance plan. anyway, ughhhhh $15 co-pays on my birth control until january. 

not only do i have a job, but we found an apartment!

all we have to do is sign the lease. hopefully tomorrow. 

so goddamn relieved.

probably not going to grad school. unless some miracle occurs i just cannot afford it — the interest rates on student loans are just too high & without an assistantship or some kind of work study i don’t think i can hack it. i might apply next year, i might try journalism, i might try publishing, i might try library science, i might just try to live & work & write in new york city until something happens.

my brother just called & gave me an awesome pep talk, insisting that if i wrote for 4 hours every day for the next 10 years i would have at least 5 best sellers. my brother is my biggest fan & that makes me feel kind of awesome. then i told him his work was better than mark millar’s & we just sat with that for a little while. sibling love<3

i just spent too much money on myself & my bank account hates me…

but that personal pizza tasted fucking amazing & i think i needed comfort food more than anything else today (except sex, which i am still craving & maybe to see the avengers but hopefully next week i can do both).

i spent all day doing nothing/conserving energy because having only one day off is really hard on me. maybe harder than it should be. i’m exhausted.

• something buttery & flakey & warm
• zombie movies
• cuddles
• kittens (&/or puppies)
• vegan bagel sandwiches (this was yesterdays craving, but always relevant)
• a job in publishing (?)

someone find me a new job. something boring, with lots of typing & copying & stapling. the most exciting part of my day should be what i am going to have for lunch.